Where do I fit into this space?

It’s not a secret that I’ve been really disengaged from Thycan and my life as a cancer survivor. My Instagram DMs are piled high, I haven’t posted on @thycan_survivors in months and I don’t even have my sticker shop up right now.

I’ve been struggling for over a year to figure out where my spark went.

I’ve always been the type of person who goes hard on a new routine or hobby for a short while, then it’s like I forgot I was even interested in it. Case in point: a few months ago I decided I wanted to get back into painting. As a kid and tween, I loved painting. Even though they weren’t usually any good, I enjoyed getting lost in the process and just doing something. I went through waves of this. First it was acrylics, then as a teen I would stay up late in my room, watercoloring and accumulating soft marks of pastel paint on my carpet. But then, I graduated high school and went to college, and didn’t paint anymore.

So I ordered a lovely set of gouache paints from Amazon along with some new brushes, got some watercolor paper and I painted 2 evenings after work, and then didn’t touch it for a few months.

This is how it always goes. Thycan was maybe the longest continuous hobby I had. I have so many emotions about it.

I wonder if maybe I stopped because my #1 fan, my dad (and mom too!) isn’t Earth-side anymore. I knew he would always see my newest posts and cheered me one.

I wonder if maybe I stopped because my personality makeup has shifted. I had relied so heavily on being that girl with cancer–a part of me I hadn’t really owned up to–but now I feel like I’m so much more. Life has been happening, and happening hard.

Since starting Thycan Survivors as a college senior in 2019, I’ve:

• Gotten cancer again

• Graduated college

• Beat cancer (again!)

• Had to support myself on my own

• Went to debt collection for my medical bills

• Racked up credit card debt

• Met the absolutely love of my life

• Said goodbye to my Dad

• Said goodbye to my dog

• Moved into a house with my boyfriend

• Completed major renovations on the house (and still liked each other after!)

• Said goodbye to my Mom

• Gained 50 lbs without trying to

• Got a new job!

• Diagnosed with PCOS

• Said goodbye to Nate’s Uncle Todd

• Said goodbye to Nate’s Grandma Carol, who we bought our house from before she passed

And we’ve had births in the family and marriages and promotions and new friends, trips to Hawaii and Belize and Michigan and Denver. So much has happened. I felt like thyroid cancer was “my brand.”

And that reliance on that identify to fuel me to create and curate content for thyroid cancer feels like it’s just fumes now. I feel so guilty for not doing this thing, that I know I still love in my heart and soul. Little things feel sometimes impossible, even splitting them up into smaller tasks feels heavy.

I’ve felt more and more like I’m just going through the motions of life. Is this what getting older is like? Each new month a quicker whirlwind than the last? I find the day gets to 4pm and then it’s only 5 hours before getting ready for bed–then there’s seeing friends, watching shows, cooking dinner, chores, and then it seems it’s over again. I don’t know where the time is to exercise or have a hobby or squeeze it all in.

So in long, wow there has been a lot going on–isn’t there always? I want to be in this space, I just need to figure out how to do it sustainably and in a way that brings me joy.